make your way into town late evening to a bbq with your cousin and his friends. but you’re at your personal friend’s house. why are they here? what is this meshing of lives. why.

happens too much. sorta just want to stay independent but  it never works. always into the others. never into me. 

ill just hang out on my own. quiet as always. never with anything to say. as the commercials play. and we sit around playing the same game night after night.

h8 tv. h8 socializing. h8 the lack of words. to describe.

what all the movies promised us. all the tales. all the adventure. I used to have. 

where did it go? why am I so much older than the people I hang with?

why are there so few left?

feels lame when you hear you weren’t even mentioned at old friend’s party..

they’ve forgotten. not like I care, but i do care.

I just want to be wanted somewhere but at the same time can never be bothered to care when I am there. it’s terrible. I hate being alone but it’s all I’ve ever known. when around other people with nothing to say it’s no wonder I’m easily forgotten.

except by those I wish would just forget me. always.

why

the endless loops.

guess i’ll just pass out to another torrented movie and/or tv show that I find solace in. keeps the late night early morning existential nightmare from happening.

just want someone sane to love.

just want someone sane to care about.

just want to be alone. with my cats. who are growing up and want to run free outside. and don’t come home some nights and I lay in bed worried.  

the loneliest. but they are here now.

so I will finish this ramen.

since there’s never real food in the house.

and I will pass out to archer or kenny powers.

which will only remind me more

of my one true friend. who is so far away.

living the life I should have led. but instead I fled. and left him there. 

the tears.

I just want to make it work.

just want anyone to listen.

aimlesss - amber gleam